You may be one of the many who receive a ring during the always-popular engagement season. If so, get ready for a flurry of questions.
"Survivor" all-star cast member Rob Mariano proposes to Amber Brkich in 2004. Brkich accepted.
Prepare yourself with this advice for the newly engaged from etiquette expert Peggy Post.
Hate your ring? Who comes to the engagement party? She's got you covered.
Sisters in September
Question: My sister got engaged about two months before I did and immediately set her date for next September. I've always wanted to get married in September; it's also ideal for my fiancé, due to his work schedule. Because many of my guests will be the same as my sister's, is it asking too much of people to attend two weddings in one month?
Answer: Having your wedding so close to your sister's could present some practical problems. So first talk to your fiancé and see if the two of you can come up with another time. If September truly is the best month for you both, speak to your sister and parents, especially if they'll be contributing to the day's costs.
You all might end up deciding that two weddings in the same month isn't a huge problem after all. However, it's incumbent on you (the second one to get engaged) to budge should things not pan out.
There is one more option: a double wedding -- once a very popular practice. This would allow both you and your sister to get married when you want to, and it would be easier for your guests. Plus, it would likely be less costly than two separate celebrations.
Family heirloom
Q: My fiancé gave me a family heirloom ring for our engagement, but it's really not my style. What's the best way to convey this without offending him and his family?
A: Let him know what an honor it is to receive the family heirloom but also that you would like to add something to it so that it's a representation of your relationship. Together, talk to a jeweler, who has likely encountered this situation many times before.
You might discuss a new setting that could be a perfect union of the old and new. However, before you revamp the ring, talk to your fiancé's parents (if you're uncomfortable, he could do this alone). If they're opposed to altering the heirloom, you and your fiancé should choose another ring and ask his parents if they would like their piece returned.
They may want you to keep it, in which case you should wear it on your right hand occasionally as a sign of respect for such a generous gift.
Paying alone
Q: We just got engaged and decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. How much family input are we required to accept?
A: In short, none; however, there's always room for compromise. It's your day, but the experience will be more fun if your families aren't alienated by the process.
You and your fiancé should sit down with your families and discuss ideas. Give them a chance to tell you their vision, and then fill them in on what you'd like. After all, they're excited about your wedding too, so be sensitive to their desire to get involved.
For example, if your mom wants you to wear her wedding dress -- but you don't like it -- incorporate part of its fabric into your dress or veil. Or if you'd like to forgo a formal seating chart but the idea makes your parents uncomfortable, designate a few tables (perhaps for older friends and relatives) where seating is assigned and others that are open.
The bottom line is that after you have listened to your family's wishes -- and hopefully made some concessions -- the final say is up to you.
Ring queries
Q: To my surprise and delight, my fiancé gave me a large diamond engagement ring. I absolutely love it, but it has led to awkward moments. Some people want to know the size and quality of the diamond. Others ask, "Is it real?" or "How much did your fiancé pay for it?" How do I handle all of this tactfully?
A: I applaud your desire to reply to these inappropriate queries graciously. While you can't say, "None of your business," you can answer, "It's not the size or the quality that matters to me. I just love it!"
You could say politely, "I'd rather not talk about that," or "Why do you ask?" You could also simply change the subject or use humor. When people ask, "Is it real?" you might say, "It had better be or I'll have some questions for the jeweler!" If someone asks how much the ring cost, say, "Dan probably spent more than he should have, but I'll cherish it forever."
Uninvited guests
Q: Can we invite people to an engagement party but not invite them to the wedding?
A: No, you can't. It's inconsiderate to ask someone to an engagement party who will not be on the wedding guest list. Engagement-party guests are wedding guests. Otherwise you risk hurting people's feelings.
Friendly dates
Q: Two close friends and I all got engaged at the same time. I'm worried we will argue over whose wedding should be when. How much deference do I give to them when deciding on a date?
A: Honestly? None. There's no need to let your friends dictate the details of your wedding. Still, if it turns out you all want to marry around the same time, it would be wise to discuss the impact on those involved. Will your guest lists overlap? Will some invitees feel overwhelmed by three showers and weddings almost at once? Will anybody be forced to choose which wedding to attend?
If there are significant problems, you may decide it makes sense to space the celebrations. But once you've made a sincere effort to accommodate your friends' wishes, you needn't feel guilty about going ahead with your plans.
Premature party
Q: At what point is it appropriate to have an engagement party? My fiancé and I became engaged in February, but our wedding is not until next May. His parents would like to host a party for us this fall, but we don't want it to seem premature.
A: Engagement parties are most often held soon after the couple becomes engaged. It's a chance for the families to announce the happy news and for relatives and friends to meet and congratulate the couple.
Traditionally, the bride's parents host the party, where they tell all assembled about the upcoming nuptials; the announcement is a surprise to the guests. But these days engagements are often not kept as a surprise, and the party can occur whenever the hosts prefer. Your future in-laws have made a kind gesture and obviously want to introduce you to their friends and share the news. Thank them, and encourage them to hold the party whenever they'd like.
